The Christmas holiday period can be tough. Almost one in six people are lonely, according to Relationships Australia. Some of us have lost loved ones and others can’t be with their loved ones due to separation or divorce. Even if our families are fine, life’s pressures often cause little cracks to appear. We’re tired. Small dramas seem bigger. Christmas lunch has to be perfect. The kids want gifts that cost more than the mortgage. And somewhere in all this, we’re meant to be making resolutions for the coming year … even though we’re struggling to cope with the current one. Unfortunately, 2013 has been difficult year for many of us — my family has endured illness, surgery, depression and death. When my 87 year old dad passed away just before Christmas, while suffering Dementia and hospitalisation for heart attack and pneumonia, I decided to make this post about recovery. I hope my ideas speak to you, wherever you’re at in life’s journey.
Cope with loss
Grief is complicated; so much so that the only truth I can share is that it’s an emotional response to loss, which is, unfortunately, is an inevitable part of life. The most painful types of loss are the passing of loved ones and the breakdown of romantic relationships. However, it’s also perfectly normal to grieve over the death of pets, failing health, losing a job or contract, the breakdown of a friendship, or having to give up a dream. We may also grieve after seemingly happy watershed moments in life, such as graduating, selling a home or retiring. In a way, grief is about change … it’s leaving behind one cherished phase of life and starting a new one, even if you don’t want to. Shock. Denial. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Fear. Fatigue. Sleep problems. Nausea. Aches. Lowered immunity. Weight fluctuations. Loss is a roller coaster of emotions and physical symptoms until we get to a place of acceptance. And even when we’re there, the pain may not ever completely heal. I’ve learned:
- There is no “right” way to grieve
- You don’t have to be strong and “soldier on”
- Take your time
- Life will never be the same … a part of you is forever changed
- You will survive … and definitely feel joy again.
Let go of the hurt
The only way to stop hurting is to forgive.
I know that’s an “f” for many people, a sign of giving in or accepting wrongdoing. What we really want is for the people who hurt us to be forced to admit their crimes to the world and be punished. However, forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with them … in fact, it’s all about you, especially your long-term health. Studies show that holding a grudge or bitterness in general is downright destructive for our health. People who refuse to forgive are more likely to:
- Get depressed (three times more for women and seven times more for men)
- Take longer to heal after physical illness
- Be stressed and unhappy with life
- Abuse alcohol and other substances
- Get serious health problems, including arthritis, kidney disease and heart disease.
Doctors have discovered that unforgiveness has the same effect on your heart as a lifetime of smoking! You may have heard the phrase “being unforgiving is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies”. Apart from the obvious health benefits, choosing to forgive is also about choosing to no longer be a victim and choosing to let go of emotional baggage that holds us back. In his short movie Luggage, Rob Bell sums it up well. Of course, this doesn’t mean criminals get away, scot free. We have a legal system that requires people to take responsibility for their actions — so, for example, you may forgive someone for breaking into your house, but they will still have to face charges and court.
Reduce stress
We talk about stress too lightly, as if it’s a natural part of life. Some even wear stress (and busyness) as a badge of honour to tell the world they’re important. However, stress kills people … it’s a major contributor to four of the biggest health issues in Australia: heart disease, diabetes, asthma and anxiety. Four simple strategies will reduce your stress levels:
- Learn to say “no”, especially to requests you really don’t want to do
- Let go of perfectionism. I’ve learned that 80% is the good enough … I probably can’t control the other 20% anyway.
- Manage your time better by setting goals and ordering your tasks by priority in a daily to-do list
- Choose healthy ways to relax … I love champagne, but a spin on my mountain bike is a more effective way to unwind.
A fresh start
Let yourself be fully human. By that, I mean recognise that life can be tough, so be kind to yourself. It’s okay to be imperfect, make mistakes, admit you’re wrong, fail or ask for help. That’s what I love about this time of year … it reminds me that we can start again. In fact, you don’t have to wait for New Year to make resolutions. Every day is a fresh start.
