Over the past 12 months I have undertaken extensive research asking some of Australia”s leading businessmen simply: “What irritates you the most when working with women?” Two points I heard over and over again will not surprise you:
- They go into too much unnecessary detail.
- They are too emotional and take things too personally.
Be Aware of What You Say
Because women tend to be more focused on relationship and rapport building they usually use quite different language to men.
Therefore, those men who are more focused on information and status perceive these women as being indecisive and sometimes weak, simply because of their different language patterns.
A good example is the use of tag endings such as “don’t you think?”, “isn’t it?” and “is that OK?” at the end of a sentence. Such phrases tend to make you sound unsure of yourself – even if you’re not !
On the other hand such phrases are excellent tools when you want to build rapport or get agreement. So what is the answer ?
I have noticed that many successful businesswomen have learnt to use the more succinct, direct male style of speaking when needed, and in the next breath revert to being sympathetic, helpful or collaborative when that was the style needed to get results.
A Common Male Ritual
Have you noticed how men generally interact? It is common for them to banter, joke, tease and use playful put-downs. This type of behaviour is reminiscent of the school playground where boys hang out in groups and have an obvious hierarchy.
Boys learn that status is important – someone is always the perceived leader while the others are jostling for that position.
American linguist Deborah Tannen says that boys learn early on to state their opinions in strong terms and find out if they are wrong by seeing if others challenge them. She refers to this as a ”ritual fight”. Tannen’s research clearly shows that boys tend to jockey for centre stage, challenge those who get it and deflect challengers. Giving orders are ways of maintaining higher status.
These ”ritual fights” are also common in business. They present their ideas in the most certain and absolute form they can and wait to see if they are challenged. Being forced to defend an idea proves an opportunity to test it. Men also use this approach to play devil’s advocate.
They believe that by challenging someone else’s idea by questioning its validity and finding fault, is a way of helping their colleague test and explore their ideas. This style works effectively with other men because they understand the ritual, however, if you are unaccustomed to it, as most women are, then this style can be very confronting and upsetting.
Sound familiar? How much of this behaviour do you observe in the work place?
Time and time again I have noticed men in meetings arguing, fighting and abusing each other. But as soon as the meeting is over it is as if nothing has happened. They may go off and have a drink together, slap each other on the back or share a joke.
A less experienced woman who has just been part of the same meeting is likely to leave feeling hurt and upset.
A more experienced female approach is to support and encourage each other. And because women tend to focus more on ”feelings” than ”tasks” it is natural that they are more inclined to take things personally and are therefore perceived as being more ”emotional”.
However, the women who hold their own in any business situation are those who understand that this type of competitive behaviour is really just a game for men. By separating the business at hand from their personal feelings they are able to meet the men on their own terms.
So as you think about the differences, you should begin to realise why men find it so difficult to understand and why women take things so personally – they don’t, and genuinely cannot understand why women do! It is a classic example of one of the major differences between men and women – feelings versus logic, it can be as simple as that.
Be Direct and Logical
Have you noticed that most men are direct in their communication and like to get straight to the point? In contrast, the typical female style is to go into a lot of detail, like telling a story. This usually drives men crazy and simply reinforces their belief that women can”t focus on the task at hand.
I recently observed just how damaging this storytelling style can be. It was a management meeting where the newly appointed human resources manager had to report on the processes she had implemented to handle the recruitment of junior staff.
What should have been a five minute report setting out the recommended procedure and time line, turned out to be a long-winded story on everything she had done and who she had spoken to and what they said and how she thought about it and then what she did and how she put it together and then how she spoke to tell stories.
In fact, stories are a very powerful way to illustrate a point. However, start to monitor how you speak and what you say. Notice how the men around you respond. Are they just looking for the bottom line?
A final point: all senior men I interviewed said, without exception, that it is the women who maintain their femininity while being professional and business-like, who get ahead.
By not trying to be ”one of the boys” or even worse, trying to prove they are better than the men, these women get the support of their male colleagues and find it a lot easier to climb the corporate ladder.
