Overcoming Nice Girls Syndrome

By Lois Frankel, Ph.D., author of Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, a book that examines the differences between nice girls and successful women in business. Based on an interview with Suzi Dafnis for the herBusiness podcast.

Nice girls syndrome occurs when you behave in the ways you were taught in childhood are appropriate for little girls.

That’s why it’s called nice girls syndrome. Some typical messages girls receive in childhood are things like:

• “Be nice”
• “Don’t make any waves”
• “It’s your job to take of other people”
• “People won’t like you if you’re too smart, so hide your light under a bushel basket”

Now, some of you may be thinking, “Well, wait a minute, I got messages that I could be anything I wanted. The sky was the limit.” Yes, that may the be case, but as soon as you get out into society, you find that society is not quite as encouraging as mum and dad may have been – and many women revert to stereotypical behaviours. When we bring those behaviours into adulthood, then we’re acting like little girls – not like adult women – and you’re never going to achieve your goals that way. So, it’s important for women to evaluate their past. If you don’t evaluate the past, then you are somehow destined to repeat it.

For example, if you had a parent who said, “You know what? You really don’t need a college education because you’re just going to get married anyway.” Well, then you might be less likely to go after a college degree when you should.   Or if you had a parent who said, “You know what? You’re the pretty one in the family. You’ll always be able to rely on that.” As you start to age, you may find life more difficult than someone who didn’t have that natural beauty at an early age.

Evaluating the past is the first step to overcoming nice girls syndrome.

What were the messages your received in childhood that have contributed to where you are today? The next step is to evaluate the future. Ask yourself, “Okay, so where would I like to be or what would I like to have that I don’t currently have? Where am I now – and where do I want to be?” This task may sound easy, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve found that many women don’t have a vision of the future because they’re living someone else’s vision, whether it’s their parent’s, or their husband’s, or their children’s, or someone else’s.

We start living other people’s values and we believe those values are ours. And it could be about upward mobility, it could be about money, it could be about not having children or having children. But it could be something to do with the messages that other people give us about their values. And for women, sometimes what we do is we absorb those and we own those as our own when in fact they’re not.

At one workshop, I did an exercise where I asked women to write down their top three values. And many women had a hard time. They said, “You know, it’s hard for me to figure out. What is it that I value most?” Living a rich life is not just about having money and it’s not just about having upward mobility; it’s about having the things that make life worth living for you. And you need to know what your values are; otherwise, how do you know if you’re moving in the right direction? Our values tell us if we’re moving in the right direction or not.

Being nice is necessary for success in any endeavour.

We like to be around people who are nice and considerate. But if that’s your primary focus, and worse yet, if it’s your exclusive focus, then you’re not factoring your needs into the mix.

A lot of times what happens for women is they don’t want to damage a relationship, or they don’t want to risk damaging a relationship by saying what they really think or asking for what they really want, and they wind up losing out when, in fact, you can do that and you can still be nice, and you can still be liked, but our fear is we won’t be liked if we ask for too much.

The other day, I needed some help with something in the United States because I was leaving the country, so I sent out an email to a couple of friends and asked, “Can somebody please attend this meeting for me?” Someone wrote a reply to everyone and said, “Lois never asks for anything. I think we ought to do this.” I thought: “Isn’t that interesting that I’m perceived as never asking for something, when in fact I feel like I ask for a lot!” I think that happens to a lot of women. We think that we’re asking for a lot, but we really aren’t. We’re conforming nice girl norms. But you don’t have to live your life according to others’ expectations.

You can overcome the Nice Girl Syndrome by evaluating your past, your future and your own personal goals and values.

Click the image to listen to the podcast interview with Lois Frankel by Suzi Dafnis on the HerBusiness website.

Books by Lois Frankel

	Nice Girls Just Don’t Get it 99 Ways to Get the Things you Want, the Success you’ve Earned and the Respect you Deserve By Lois P. Frankel and Carol M. Frohlinger PaperbackOrder your copy from Booktopia today and save.
	Nice Girls Just Don’t Get it 99 Ways to Get the Things you Want, the Success you’ve Earned and the Respect you Deserve By Lois P. Frankel and Carol M. Frohlinger HardcoverOrder your copy from Booktopia today and save 45% off the retail price. (click this link to watch a video with Dr. Frankel on booktopia.)
	Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers By Lois P. FrankelOrder your copy from Booktopia today and save 20% off the retail price.
	See Jane Lead 99 Ways for Women to Take Charge at Work By Lois P. FrankelOrder your copy from Booktopia today and save 43% off the retail price.
	Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich 75 Avoidable Mistakes Women Make with Money By Lois P. FrankelOrder your copy from Booktopia today and save 44% off the retail price.