An ability to prevent or easily deal with conflict makes for a more enjoyable, less stressful and more successful work and life experience. The upcoming second edition of New York Times best seller, Crucial Conversations has inspired a fresh look at the age-old issue of interpersonal conflict. Do you feel stuck in your business, in your career, at work? Chances are a ‘crucial conversation’ is keeping you there1.
Can you think of a conversation you have been putting off?
Do you know you should be talking to someone about an issue, but are putting it off because you feel fearful of the consequences, or are not sure how to approach it?
Research conducted by firm VitalSmarts® has shown that strong relationships, careers, organisations and communities all draw from the same source of power – the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics2. That is, people’s ability to effectively participate in crucial conversations.
The following checklist provides some basic tools to help you develop your crucial communication skills.
Checklist for successful crucial conversations3
Preparation
- Ask yourself:
- What is your purpose? What would be an ideal outcome?
- What might a person be thinking about the situation? Are they aware of the problem? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes to get an idea of how things are from their perspective.
- Are your feelings toward the conversation influencing your attitude? If you think it is going to be horrible, it probably will be. Go in with a positive attitude.
- What are your and the other person’s needs? Are there any common concerns?
- Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.
- Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualise how you will deal with them.
During the conversation
- No matter what turn the conversation takes, the most important thing is self control. Don’t take verbal attacks personally and keep the conversation on track. The way a person chooses to behave may be out of your control and influence – but you do have control over yourself!
- A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are (curious, problem-solving) and what you say. How you are will greatly influence what you say.
- Be conscious of your body and verbal language – keep it positive. You may be having the conversation because you feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected or marginalised, but be cautious about assuming that was the person’s intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
Steps to a successful outcome
Step 1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Ask and discuss. And don’t assume a person can see things from your point of view. Be curious, not judgemental.
Step 2: Acknowledgment
Show that you have heard and understood by acknowledging their viewpoint. Explain back to them what you think they’re saying or want, so that you know you understand them correctly. Be aware that acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate.
Step 3: Advocacy
Help clarify your position without minimising theirs. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I understand your position. However, I see it another way. Maybe we can discuss how to improve the process so that it works well for both of us.”
Step 4: Problem-Solving
Build solutions. Take a collaborative approach – ask the person what they think would work, add in your thoughts, and then build on both. Things won’t change unless you both see where the other stands, and come to an understanding as to how to move forward.If the conversation becomes hostile, go back to inquiry.
Opening the conversation
Not sure how to begin? Here are some ideas:
- “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more
effectively.” - “I need your help with something. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
- “I think we have different perceptions about ___________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.”
- “I’d like to talk about ____________. I think we may have different ideas on how to _____________.”
- “I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about __________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.”
1Quote taken from book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Patterson. K., et al., McGraw Hill, 2002.
2Quote taken from book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Patterson. K., et al., McGraw Hill, 2002.
3Checklist derived from the ideas of American conflict resolution expert Judy Ringer at www.judyringer.com.
